


And wept because she had dreamt

by slightlytookish



Category: Merlin (BBC)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-29
Updated: 2010-11-29
Packaged: 2017-10-13 10:56:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/136558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slightlytookish/pseuds/slightlytookish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes it is wiser to be the first one to turn away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And wept because she had dreamt

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place somewhere between episodes 2x12 and 3x01. The title comes from W.B. Yeats' poem "A Song from 'The Player Queen.'"

Morgana never let Morgause see her cry, but somehow she always knew.

"You are too soft, sister," she said one day. She smoothed the hair back from Morgana's brow, a gesture more tender than her words ever were. Morgana had been in her care for three months now, and though the poison had left her body there were days when she still felt its effects, when she felt short of breath and her lungs ached with the simple effort of breathing. On those days she would lie in her soft bed and look at the books Morgause had given her, trying to focus on the spells and trying to forget everything else.

She was never very good at that, at the act of forgetting, but she was still as stubborn as ever. "I'm not," she said, though her eyes were stinging from her tears and every breath shook, just a little.

"You are," Morgause said, giving one curl a quick, reproachful tug before she resumed her caresses. "You have let your heart guide you for too long. Why do you still care about these people, these supposed friends of yours that poisoned your mind and your body?"

"I care nothing about Merlin," she said, pushing Morgause's hand away irritably and sitting up. "I thought he was my friend and I trusted him with my secret, with my _life_ , and he betrayed me. I hate him, and Uther too. You know this, Morgause. I've told you all this before. There's nothing for me in Camelot anymore."

She meant it, she really did, and yet she feel a wave of relief when Morgause smiled in approval. "I know, dear sister. That is why you are with me now. And yet..." She let her voice trail off and gave a little shrug.

Morgana watched her warily. "What is it?"

"Well, there is Arthur to consider," Morgause said lightly, as if she didn't mind Morgana's opinion either way. "He is Uther's son in every sense of the word. How do you think he would react if he knew about your gifts?"

When she didn't answer Morgause continued. "And then there is your maidservant, Gwen. I believe her father was executed for conspiring with a sorcerer, was he not? What do you think his daughter feels about magic now?"

"She- she has always been loyal to me-"

"And who wouldn't love having a sweet mistress like you?" Morgause smiled again but Morgana hardly noticed. Her mind was racing as she tried to remember if Gwen had ever said that she feared or hated magic. She had always been so comforting when Morgana had her nightmares, but dreams were not all that she was capable of anymore, and now she wondered how much Gwen would despise her when she learned the truth.

When she came back to herself Morgause was watching her. "You must learn to rely on yourself, Morgana, instead of these old affections. There may be a day when all your old friends turn against you. Sometimes it is wiser to be the first one to turn away." She stood and made her way to the door, where she paused suddenly, as if a thought had just occurred to her.

"We are quite fortunate that no one has come for you yet. Given the strength of Uther's knights I had expected nothing less than a siege when he realised that I had rescued you. It's curious that we have been left alone for so long especially since Arthur knows how to find me." Her smile was so sharp and bright that Morgana would have thought it was cruel if it had belonged to anyone else. "All the better for us. Now we have all the time in the world to focus on your recovery."

She left then, closing the door silently behind her. Morgana watched her go, her mind still awhirl as she turned over Morgause's words and worried them like old wounds. She feared that if she dug too deep they would bleed again, and if she didn't dig deep enough they would never go away.

Perhaps she needed to do as Morgause had said, and forget it all. Already she had trouble remembering the exact colour of the castle walls and the precise smell and texture of the sleeping draughts Gaius used to prepare for her. These days it took her a moment to recall the way Gwen smiled when she came to dress her in the mornings, and she had to close her eyes and concentrate to recollect the exact timbre of Arthur's voice when he shouted at the knights in the yard. Just a day ago her distorted memories had disturbed her and she had wondered how she could forget all the things she had known and everyone she had loved so easily. But now, she thought, perhaps it was because they were forgetting her, too.

Her eyes were wet again and she brushed those tears away angrily as she reached for her book. She flipped open to a random page and found the ingredients for an aging potion. This was her world now. This is what she ought to be concentrating on- her future, and not her past.

She took a deep breath and was gratified that it came easier now. She bent her head over the pages, her lips moving silently as she read, and willed herself to forget.

She had work to do.


End file.
